There is a great new craze that's taking the country by force and holding it hostage. That's right - it's douchbagism (the nature of which one falls under the category of being a "douchebag" or "tool" as it were). This will hopefully define the various types of douchebag and allow you to spot one without having to confront them, or perhaps even help you get out of spending time with them.
1. The Oompa-Loompa
Between being single now for three months after a bad break up, your roommate being Petunia (a small cat that is repelled by you), and having a pervy neighbor across from your apartment that sniffs your door at three in the morning, you want to get out of the house. Dolled up and ready for a night on the town, you go with your great friends Doug and Lisa to hit up a club. The moment you enter, however, a man who looks like he rubbed his entire body with cheese doodles is standing on a table, ripping off his shirt and roaring to the crowd standing around him. He looks at you (at least you think: he’s wearing sunglasses in the dimly lit room) and points with a well-toned, orange arm, “You are, like, so a seven!” Proceeding to stick his tongue out and make egregious pelvic thrusts, a bouncer comes forward to kick him out. The guy doesn’t go down without a fight, however, and ends up on the floor. “I don’t need places like this! I can bring you all down!” he yells, along with other obscenities, as he is taken out of the club. Ah, what a wonderful start to the evening. Especially with everyone looking at you after the debacle.
This is the easiest of douchebags to notice. Though all douchebags take many shapes and forms, the oompa-loompa reverts to its primal instincts, the original nature of douchbagism. Orange (you know that hot-off-the-grill look that only years of chemical manipulation can achieve) and pucker-lipped, this douchebag's ego is only outsized by the amount of hair gel he consumes in a month, causing his hair to become a steel plate ready to deflect bullets. This person (if you could call him that; at this point, he's lost most of his humanity) believes that he is the "life of the party." He might even believe that he is "all that," or perhaps even "the shiz." Only the incredibly brave and equally stupid would dare call themselves "the situation." These douchebags will often refer to themselves in the third person - the only way for them to deal with the overwhelming ego that weighs them down - and are likely to start ripping off clothes in order to prove their masculinity. At any given moment, they are likely to start a testosterone-filled conflict with anyone who does not bow down to their ego, so long as they can pick up on someone’s defiance. They are very territorial of their clubs, bars, or reality shows (featuring them) that depict them in clubs or bars. However, this douchebag is very unwittingly entertaining, so if you happen to be semi-intelligent, you may have a comical conversation.
-They are easily spotted by the color of their skin - which tells of their travels to carrot farms - giant crosses, over-gelled hair, and too-tough attitude. Excuse yourself if you wish to avoid - dare I say it - "the situation." They may not, however, be orange. Some hybrids of this species also enjoy getting in touch with their feminine side by wearing guy-liner, getting many tattoos that speak of their feelings, and bearing a $200 haircut that says to the world, “I’m poor because I bought this hair.” Both types will wear skin-tight jeans that will cut into their flesh, but the family jewels are a worthy sacrifice, as we do not want the species to continue.
-Encounters with said douchebags will eventually result in one of two things depending on your gender. If you are a woman, you will be hit on. The range of how badly you are hit on will depend on how suave/sappy/drunk they are. Simply say, "No." You may also be required to connect your foot with his leather-clad crotch violently, so when calculating a hit, prepare for shrinkage. He will brag about other prospective women and how great he is, so DO NOT under ANY circumstance get turned on. Regret, and possibly a reality show, will be in your future. For men, if you come into contact with a douche while he is with a woman or is drunk, he will likely try to fight you. Tread lightly: they fight dirty, but as long as you are around non-douchebags and outnumber him, you should not have a problem. (Simple tip: if you have any concerns, travel in groups. Douches do not like to fight against packs, at least while sober.)
2. The Traditional Tool
The bouncer comes by to check and see if you were harmed, and you reply you haven’t. You duck and cover, having lost Doug and Lisa to the crowd, and sit down on a barstool. “She’ll have what I’m having,” says a good-looking man in a jacket, nice jeans, and a crisp, Oxford shirt. He’s confident, and you warm up to him immediately. After about twenty minutes, though, you’re bored. Every topic has been centered on his work, his car, his house, even his hygiene. Not a single question about you. When he brings up an anecdote about his boss being a jerk, you finally have something with which to relate! “Yeah, I know what you mean,” you begin. “I had a manager a year ago that-”
“Was I done?” he asks. Then he continues on with his story. You are strongly reminded of how your last job was, and how much of a jerk your boss was.
This douchebag is not quite as easy to notice—chances are, you know one or seven—mainly because they are not of the orange variety. Sideways/lopsided/half-on ball caps are a sign, as are large and unnecessarily baggy clothes, but those may not necessarily indicate this douche. It mostly has to do with personality. Much like the Oompa-Loompa, they have an overwhelming ego, but are able to hide it behind a list of achievements. This type is very cutthroat and will often put others down in order to build themselves up. “Players” also fit into this category, as they typically do not have a healthy respect for women. They would much rather speak of their prospects and keep the conversation as one-sided as possible before they would EVER decide to get to know, well, you. The problem with this douchebag is that they are likely to fall into a position of authority over you, and they LOVE to exert it over anyone, even their supposed equals.
Avoid:
-With this douchebag, like most others, you are not likely to get anywhere with an argument. And you often cannot avoid them, since they are hounds for attention, or are probably your boss. If you would like to avoid a confrontation, smile and nod while slowly tuning them out and thinking about dumping their head in nitric acid.
3. The Hipster
After lightly quipping that you’d like to go to the bathroom, which he graciously “allows,” you try to find Lisa and Doug. This night hasn’t been that great, and Petunia doesn’t seem like that bad a companion for the evening, even though she may just claw your eye out. Lisa has found a companion herself, and unlike you, she seems star-struck, taking in every word he says. Bearing a wispy goatee, a twirled moustache, and large-framed glasses, he reeks of marijuana and wears a look of absolute contempt for the world. “I hold absolute contempt for the world, man,” he says vaguely, staring past Lisa and at you. He then snorts, and says, “You got that from H&M, didn’t you?” He points to your blouse, which you thought was cute and inexpensive. “This whole world is full of conformists, man. Me, I’m free.” Lisa nods her head, unaware that her mouth is open and her drink is untouched in her hand. “If it were up to me, I would wipe out everyone except the non-conformists. Then we’d all be free.”
“Wouldn’t you all be conforming, then?” you ask, questioning the logic of his statement.
Dumbfounded that you would even question his superior wisdom, he stands. Then he sits back down, since his pants are so tight he racked himself. After he catches his breath, he eases himself up again and says, “You just don’t understand, man,” as he walks away with his Converse shoes. Lisa has been saved, but is not that grateful to you.
Ironically enough, this douchebag is VERY well-known. Sporting a hat that looks like a discolored brain is leaking out of their head, a scarf, Buddy Holly glasses, and pants tighter than the stick up their butt feels, the only thing that the Hipster wants to talk about is the things that HE knows about and what YOU don't. Don't bring up anything conventional if you do not wish to hear about "the man" for an hour. These douchebags enjoy being “cultured” by reading books that you haven't heard of, drinking coffee that is not from Starbucks, or listening to bands that have no particular beat and that cannot be listened to by normal people. They enjoy complaining about politics, religion, government, music people know about, clothes other people wear, and almost anything else that can be complained about. If there is no complaining, their heads will literally explode and several v-neck t-shirts will fall out. They are the genetic offspring of hippies, but now that they have received a C+ in a contemporary literature class, they believe that they are a standard that the rest of the human population should strive to. Except that if they all did, these douchebags would oppose them again.
See and Avoid:
-If you are at a club called The Aardvark’s Love Offering (or some other place you’ve never heard of), chances are there are several Hipsters flocking towards it like lemmings to death.
-There are multiple ways to deal with this douchebag. Don't say you haven't heard of that indie band that’s never been mentioned on the radio unless you would like a conversation that will last an hour about its political insight. Also, do not bring up American Eagle or McDonald's. You will be lectured on the evils of big corporations for hours on end. If you are confronted by a Hipster asking, "Have you heard of [insert vague phrase]," say, "Yes, I have. It's pretty big now." They will leave immediately. Otherwise, just feign utter stupidity until they become so impatient they will find someone else to go complain to.
4. The Non-Traditional Tool
Doug takes you and Lisa home, since you all are empty-handed, and you are feeling furious. You may take out your rage on Petunia. No, that’s illegal. The bouncer looks inquisitive. After dropping Lisa off, he gets quiet and you think about your relationship to him. He’s sweet, a little naïve, mostly quiet, and normal, at least until he asks you out while he’s dropping you off from the club. You are shocked at first, but then you say genuinely, “I’ll think about it.” He’s your friend. You don’t know how to react! You know that even though you are friends, all men seem to want in your pants, so that’s not the weird part. You just wouldn’t want to mess up your friendship. “I’ll wait for you,” he says with a shy smile as you get out of the car. But then you get a text from your friend Cheryl, and it says, “Doug asked me out earlier today! He was kind of weird about it… And he said he’d wait for me! I’m kinda creeped out : / ” Never mind the fact that you hate strange emoticons, it looks like Doug was asking out someone else! When you confront him via phone, he says, “I know, I messed up, I’m the most horrible guy in the world. You should never talk to me again. I think I’ll go impale myself with a spike.” You’re confused, because he’s NEVER acted like this before. After you wait a while, you get another text from him saying, “I hate myself with the fiery passion of the earth’s liquid core. I could just die right now. I have nothing to say that would make anything better. :( ” Again, he keeps showing a side of himself that you have never seen before! And he knows you hate emoticons. You respond, “I just don’t get why you would do this, knowing it would hurt me.” Then he says, “Aren’t you being dramatic? :P” You throw your phone at the wall.
Doug is thrown violently into the category known as the "Stealth Douche" or the "Closet Tool." This douchebag is the most dangerous of all. They are not even aware that they are a douchebag. Their species will appear nice and kind, but often brag about their generosity or compassion. It is difficult to fathom, but they will have an entirely different personality when discovered for their douchebaginess, but it will be easier to see them as such when they are outed. Lathered in self-deprecation, they make attempts to be humble, but eventually can be found out. They like to dramatize everything in an attempt to make the hurt party more sympathetic to their predicament.
Avoid:
-It is very, very, very, very, very, very, very difficult to spot these. Here are some precautions (author's note: don't lose your trust in your friends, especially if you've known them for a while or just really well): if your other friends do not like this particular person that you’re getting close to; they paint themselves to be a "good" person, but don't have the actions to show it; or have to point out that "they are different" or “they are changed from what they used to be” constantly. These douchebags teach the lesson of making sure you know about a person before you get too involved. The friends you believe in—knowing for a fact that they don’t want to get involved with you—are the ones you should always trust.
5. The Facebook Fool
You check your things, and realize in the commotion of the evening, you forgot your purse at the club. So angry, you get online, frustrated with Doug and wonder if there is someone on Facebook you can vent to. But lo and behold, there is someone already on there, pouring out their soul in whimper-filled poetic posts. You are intrigued by the lines, “Why do you hurt me/In ways I cannot speak?/I turn around to see you there/And all I see is the pain you cause.” Then you see that the person posting this is Chad, a forty-something white-collar worker, and someone commented, “Dude, Glee will be on next week, don’t worry.”
Perhaps the most annoying of douchebags, this person is the reason that people lose Facebook accounts. Since social networks have become a popular place to spout popular opinions, douchebags take advantage of “the situation” since they don’t audibly hear the cries of anger against them. They use their Facebook account to LOUDLY voice their opinion in politics and religion for the sole purpose of stirring up trouble. They will diss people publicly or vent by hurting others. But more likely, they will use it to post vague responses to situations in real life. Passive aggressive sayings will become their status updates, relaying how "you've hurt me, but I'll move on" or "the darkness is swallowing me/I can barely see the stars" when they're only upset that the store isn't serving pomegranate pie. Crap is ever-flowing from this douchebag because they will not stop using Facebook in this way.
Avoid:
-Get rid of your Facebook account. There is no hope while you have it. The only way to feel catharsis is to be passive-aggressive back; as long as you're humorous, you will not become the thing you fight.
You go back to the club the next day, so mad at yourself and annoyed by the night before. The bouncer greets you and says that he already has your purse! How thoughtful. He gives you a shy look, and asks if you would like to go to dinner with him tonight. You are somehow reassured that the world is not entirely full of douchebags.
Be prepared: there are more douchebags out there than this article can even begin to describe. Just watch and be wary. Whether it be for your own amusement or avoidance, be sure not to egg on the douchebag. Their egos are the thing that brings them all together. But take heart! Not everyone is a douchebag, and that should be comforting.
